[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You Might Also Like
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*seductively peels off lederhosen
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad