Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
adam and eve had first world problems
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh