Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom