THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Rather alarming headline…
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
When you’ve simply given up.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?