Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
u spoke cat all this time??????
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news