If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
You Might Also Like
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Worst perfume name ever.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.