People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”