Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
normalize having existential bread
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.