No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
This guy gets it.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake