Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
become ungovernable
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR