Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’m not stressed
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask