SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.