[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist