If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My beach vacation Google searches
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year