You Might Also Like
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Muppet Screams
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution