It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…