Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair