DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]