Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.