[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…