British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me if I was a dog
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Become ungovernable.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long