2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.