There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.