Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]