Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.