Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality