My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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i’m still crying at this
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*exercises sarcastically*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask