i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
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*limbos away from your hug*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying