I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Kids, do not try this at home!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
this makes me so uncomfortable
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.