7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Meow
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.