My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening