husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.