People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.