[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
No, he would not have.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?