My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I have never related to anyone more.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The Compass
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.