I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
synchronized noseblowing
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court