Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My god she’s good.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit