More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like