Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.