Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.