I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
me and my fake scenarios
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help