Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.