God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
hmm conte-me mais
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Great acting.. 😂
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans