ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
💻🤡
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.