being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Just me?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
<- sleeps well with others
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural