If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
You Might Also Like
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa