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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
fly smarter, not harder
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
just having fun
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.