WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.