[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?