I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
You Might Also Like
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
this is literally a CIA plant
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.